Strength in Vulnerability: Lessons from My Mental Health Journey

It’s been a while since I have written anything. especially on this blog. But I couldn’t think of a better time to break the silence than to share my story in honor of Mental Health Awareness Month.

This year’s theme is “In every story, there’s strength.” It’s important to break the stigma and share openly stories of overcoming and survival. Sometimes, from the outside looking in, it’s easy to assume someone has it altogether or has it easy. It used to look like that for me too. Until March of 2023.

The months leading up to March 2023 were filled with stress, anxiety and overachieving. Situations at work, caused my overachieving default mode to go into overdrive. By the time the new year arrived, I was almost unrecognizable to myself but still managed to put on a front like everything was okay. Then in early March, I started having physiological symptoms that I couldn’t explain. Every Sunday night, it would feel like someone was stepping on my chest. Come Monday morning and my heart would be racing and I found it harder and harder to concentrate. That went on for 2 weeks, at which point, I reached my breaking point. I remember one Friday evening in early March, breaking down in tears and telling my husband I wanted to quit my job.

I couldn’t do it anymore.

Being the supportive and loving man he is, he encouraged me to speak to someone at work about taking a leave. So I did. To my surprise, there were benefits available for me to take a leave of absence for a period of time to reset and prioritize my mental health. The process was private and easier than I thought it would be.

On March 17, 2023, I started my journey to prioritizing my mental health and taking care of my emotional wellbeing. It was extremely hard at first. Work was my identity and no longer having it each day to distract me from my healing was challenging. For the first 2 weeks, I felt like a piece of me was missing and I didn’t know what my purpose in life was.

I had been so busy being busy and overachieving, I forgot what it was like to just be. I started therapy and my psychologist instructed me to sit still and just be. No phone, no tv, no headphones, no music, nothing. Just be still. Ugh! That meant I had to actually sit still and actually hear my thoughts. Busyness all those years made it possible for me to ignore my mind. But with the removal of work and all the distractions, hearing my thoughts and paying attention to my mind is all that I could do.

At first, I could barely make it 15 minutes. But eventually, I learned to welcome sitting still for hours at a time. I came to welcome silence. I came to learn how to be.

Through it all, I learned a few important lessons that I have taken with me since breaking and putting myself back together again.

1. Boundaries are my greatest protector. In the absence of boundaries, I allowed myself to be used and abused by the actions of others. In hindsight, I realize I allowed things to go on far too long and I could have put my foot down and said “No.”
2. No is a complete sentence. When the first 6 weeks of my leave was up, I contemplated whether I was ready to return to work or not. After having some conversations, it became clear that I wasn’t ready and told my doctor as much. Saying no to the feeling that I had to go back was the most liberating moment of my experience. I took another 6 weeks to continue my healing, guilt-free.
3. You may not have who you want as a support, but you will certainly have who you need. Because of the way I show up for people in their times of need, I assumed those same people would do the same for me. During this time of healing and reflection, someone very close to me did not show up for me at all. I was hurt but realized that not everyone has the capacity to be givers. Some people are just takers. And while our relationship hasn’t quite recovered from this circumstance, I am grateful for the opportunity to learn who is really in my corner and who is not.

There were days when I didn’t think I would see the other side but I am so glad I am here now. My journey reminds me of the Japanese art called Kintsugi. Like precious china, I didn’t handle me with care and ended up shattered and in pieces. My healing journey allowed me to put myself back together again. Now those seams where cracks were once apparent are filled with the gold of being and accepting who I am, celebrating the brokeness that facilitated my wholeness.

In honor of Mental Health Awareness Month, I share my story proudly so someone out there knows they are not alone. I find strength every time I share my story. I’d love to hear yours too!